Kitty Wigs II

I previously wrote about the wonder of Kitty Wigs and my re-discovery of the magical world of pets in drag (as opposed to the grand peeve of pets dressed as humans). Well, I am now the proud owner of my very own Kitty Wig - which I WILL fix atop Joey's head long enough to take a picture one of these days. (And by one of these days I mean when he is unconscious and being prepped for the surgical loss of his little fuzzy puppy balls - since that is the only, and I do mean ONLY, time he will hold still long enough.)

My very own Kitty Wig was a gift from my very own wonderful friend that gives me my very own make-me-fall-down-laughing-after-I-jump-up-and-down-with-glee silly gifts. The only thing that made me laugh harder than my Kitty Wig was the instructions that came with it:

Please combine creativity with common sense, and never force your kitty to dress up strictly for your entertainment.

I'm sorry, but what reason besides one's own entertainment could there possibly be for putting a wig on a freaking cat???

When introducing the wig to your kitty, use lots of sweet talk. Remind your kitty that he or she is the belle of the ball, repeating over and over how chic-looking and beautiful he or she is. LOTS of petting and cooing are needed here! Praise!

Oh. My. God.

DO NOT immediately throw the wig on your kitty and start snapping pictures. Start slowly and let your kitty set the pace. The key is positive reinforcement... Keep photo sessions short and fun! You want it to be something your cat enjoys and appreciates as special time together... We hope you'll share the results of your Kitty Wig photo shoot with us in our Flickr group...

Okay, for you truly naughty and bent folk (Mom, that does NOT mean you - you stop reading NOW) re-read the instructions and replace the word Kitty with the word Pussy.

Then go change your pants.

Mormon Boys And Big Juicy Butts

The thing I love most about the Mormon culture is that it continues to give me reasons to laugh my ass off.

The daughter of a friend of mine in WA is gearing up, with her Ward, for Girl's Camp. Remember Girl's Camp? I loved it. It supplied many of my favorite teenage memories. The hikes, pranks, skits, the working of leather and beads into never worn again bracelets. The campfires and the silly songs. Uplifting songs that were written especially for camp and goofy songs that were either original or just lyrics added to already existing tunes. Like this sweet little ditty forwarded by my friend. A hopeful love song, if you will, sung by freckle faced, pre-pubescent Mormon girls about eternal marriage and the virtues of the holy priesthood of God. To the tune of Baby Got Back.

I like Mormon boys and I cannot lie,
You other sisters can't deny,
When a boy walks in with scriptures in his hands
And a big smile on his face you get a date,
A celestial mate.

Someone to call your own and hold your hand,
And take a stand
For you.
So teachers, preachers, we don't like your features,
So Mormon boys,
Mormon boys,
Bring on the priesthood yeah!

HUH!

(The "Huh!" is accentuated, by the way, with a hearty pelvic thrust.)

Baby Got Back. A song about guys with their erect anacondas having all night sex with girls that have big, round, thick and juicy, in your face, butts.

WTF???

Wow, Heaven And Hollywood Did Some Hefty Negotiating Yesterday

All I have to say is that, no matter how weird he was becoming, Michael Jackson was Freaky Crazy Talented. I think he was also very misunderstood in the media and, clearly, mistreated in surgery. As much as his talent will be missed I have to say that I am glad he died when he did. Now his "Star" can be back up by Marilyn Monroe and James Dean where it belongs and all those that publicly mocked and abused him can now publicly canonize him - as they are doing. And I think he deserves that. He can now be remembered for all he gave the world - because that would most likely have continued to be more and more eclipsed by his astronomical oddness that would only have gotten worse as he aged.


I think that his life was a painful one and that he became the weird poster child for a weird family system that was not of his making. And I think that he was deprived of a childhood and, quite literally, never had the chance to grow up and to heal. Now he has that chance. And I, for one, am happy for him. And grateful.

Although I do have to say that, while his daughter Paris Michael is good to go, his sons Prince Michael I and Prince Michael II (aka: Blanket) might want to think about having their names changed to Joe and Dave. I'm just saying.



And we can't forget Farrah. I really don't have much to say about her because I always wanted to be Kris and not Jill when we played Charlie's Angels at the swimming pool. But she was beautiful, could actually act (Burning Bed and Extremities) and fought hard - making a documentary about her illness. And, come on, she was Farrah. Now a for real angel. Bless her.

Women Over 40

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

"As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons, unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!"

And there you have it.

Dove Evolution

And I'll bet she has a human ass taboot.

A Human Ass

Sunday was my Big, Fat Birthday. I am now 41 years old - poised atop the slippery slide to 50. Holy shit. Okay, that was a bit dramatic - 50 is still a long ways off. But, oh... the mind trip.

I am actually enjoying getting older. I have never been happier, felt healthier, sexier, stronger, or more comfortable in my own skin. Most of my girlfriends are the same way - really coming into our own, finding new strength in really amazing ways, finally comfortable being with ourselves, more on track, more confident...

Until the weirdest thing happens. We catch one glimpse of the cellulite on our asses and all that goes out the window. What the hell??? How is it possible that women who have so much going on can still get derailed so fast by being human? It's like we are back in high school comparing ourselves to the cheerleaders and suddenly hide in the library because we find we come up short. I was recently with some friends having the most wonderful, intelligent, stimulating conversation until it turned to our bodies. Suddenly we're in front of mirrors bemoaning our thighs, bellies, boobs, noses, chins, asses... How is it possible that, with all the living and learning we have under our belts, we are still comparing ourselves to Supermodels and Porn queens?

Guess what? Cindy Crawford has said that even she doesn't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford! They are airbrushed upside down and backwards. And, even if they're not, who the hell cares? Seriously!

And it's not just women, men do it too. I have many male friends that want bigger muscles, bigger and longer love pumps, bigger calves, more hair, rounder asses.

We are here on this human planet having a human experience with these human bodies and beat ourselves, and others, up because we have human asses. How ridiculous is that?

I am calling for an end to the madness. How about we stop pointing the finger at the ass fat on ourselves and others and start focusing on all the amazing things we have going on in this life? I say we eat well, feed our bodies what they need to be as healthy as possible, exercise to look and feel as great as we possibly can and then just get the hell on with being incredibly happy, grateful humans. Life is short and I have too much to do.

Besides, it's much more fun to both have and be a blissfully bouncy, slightly dimpled, thoroughly unapologetic human ass.

Are Women Born This Way

Heaven help her poor husband.